So to make a long story short, my life has been no cake walk, I have lived a life of poverty, betrayal, misery, and abuse.  The concept of happiness or being content with my life has been foreign to me up until about two weeks ago.  For most of my life I have suppressed these things. I remember a night years ago, when I couldn’t take it anymore, my supression bubble popped and that night I cried for about 4ish hours feeling misery moreso for my family than for myself, up until that point, I had never cried harder. 

 
Long story short, my life has been a shit box since day 1. And it only got worse, for years, I was waiting on a break that just never arrived.  For a couple months, a couple moths ago, I completely gave up on life because I couldn’t take it any more, I gave up on damn near every aspect and element of my life. It was a concious decision I think.  It got to a point where every waking day was worst than the previous and I just snapped, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I said “Fuck it”, I didn’t give a God damn about anything. Anyways, either before or after, I can’t remember, because I have never known what it was like to have things go my way, so every time any little thing didn’t go my way, or I couldn’t have what I wanted, I would go psychologially ballistic.
 
 I want to make it clear that I have never, and would never intentionally physically harm anyone, even in my darkest of days. Anyways, back to what I was saying, every time I missed the subway by seconds, I spilled a drink, or didn’t have money to buy what I wanted, 25 years of things not ever going my way would all hit me at once.  At this point of my life, I was crying myself to sleep nearly every night. I didn’t give a God damn about anything in my life and I was a ticking time bomb of suicidal ideations.  That being said, I am feeling better now after my most recent hospitalization now that I am on the right meds by the gace of God.  The only difference between then and now, is that I am capable of coping with my “situation”. The circumstances of my life haven’t changed, but my “mental” has. 
 
That being said, I do have “moments” sometimes, the other day, something set me off, I can’t remember what it was, but I remember being very thirsy and I was looking foward to a of gatorade that I had saved earlier in the day.  When I got into my apartment, I couldn’t find my gatorade and that brought back an entire lifetime of not having what I wanted. So I exploded, mentally.  I took my $650 computer and slammed it into the table.  I tried to turn it on and it was broken, then things just escalated from there. My computer is my life. I then violently crumpled an art piece of mine.  I value my art damn near as much as lie itself, but I did this because it was in the way of something I wanted to pick up.  Then I lied to my dad as he entered the room. I said I accidently dropped it, and we got into a heated arguement.  I can’t remember the last time I argued with me dad. He said he wouldn’t give me money for a new computer so went to my bed and felt more miserable than I have in a long time.
 
I thought to myself, this is it. As a few tears rolled down my face I thought, fuck it, I’ll just lay in my bed all day every day, I have nothing left in life.  A few minutes later, my dad reminded I had a few hundred dollars from my SSI/disability check, so I went to best buy, bought a $200 computer, and the rest is history.  Most of these days I am relatively mentally stable, but I still have my moments.

How I Feel Tonight

 
I’m feeling like a balloon. What is the nature of a balloon? Something that you fill with helium, metaphorically speaking referring to my life, I’ve been filled with feelings of what feel like false promises and hope. Then a baloon flies away, up and up into the air enjoying the ride… But for how long? some baloons make it to the clouds and fly free with the angels.  Metaphorically speaking, that what I’ve been doing for the last two or three weeks of my life, God has blessed me with unbelievable ability to be an endless creative outlet, I’ve been flying in the clouds feeling overoyed and ecstatic. But a baloon eventaully pops and falls into the ocean where it drowns never sees the light of day ever again.  That’s how I feel, I’ve been living with suicidal ideations damn near my entire life,
 
I’ve been floating in the clouds for 3 weeks, but I feel like I just popped, I’ve had so much hope that these God given abilities might bring me some level of success or happiness in life, but at the end of the day, my life is no better than it was 1 month ago, 6 months ago, or 6 years ago.  I’m rapidly falling into an ocean of misery, pain, and suffering.  I didn’t choose this, but I guess life chose it for me. Not refering or concerning other people, I literally have nothing other than a piece of shit laptop, a phone, and the $20 bill that I wake up to every day. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for these things, but I would trade that all for so much as a sliver of hope of attaining some level of success or happiness in my life.  The thing that scares me more than anything, is the thought of what my future holds.  I feel no sence of hope for the future, I’ve been falsely dooped so many times by women, “friends” conartists, you name it. 
 
I really am finding it hard to find an incentive to live.  I’m not going to suicide but I’m going back to a place where it’s like, fuck, how the fuck am I supposed to do this. What do I have to look foward to in life? If I said the answer was not much, that would be a lie, because the truthful answer is, nothing.  I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. it’s like wtf.
 
 
 

Devilish Thrown

As you can probably gather from the name of the site, my whole life I have strived to be great. Whether it was skateboading, music, video games etcetera, I have attempted to be great at whatever “it” might be.  I haven’t just attempted, I obsessed to the point of no return and failed more and more miserably every time. 

Love was another one of those things. I was obsessed with finding and being with a woman who would make me happy. I wasn’t that nerd who was always scared to talk to women, I tried. God damn did I try. Whether it was being on 3 dating sites at a time, asking women out in subway cars, bodega’s, you name it.  Anyways, as I did with myself, I have always fantasized about being with a woman who has accomplished greatness.  

A couple years ago, I stumbled upon an artist who was about 4 years younger than me. Her name was Akiane Kramarik. 

In my opinion, she is the most talented artist to ever step foot on God’s green earth.  This was the beginning of a long and painful string of delusions and painful, miserable events. I completely fell in love with her. I admired not only her looks, but her artistic talents, and who she was as a human being.  I felt I had to be with her at all costs neccesary. (Obviously other than harming someone) So I started to write a book.  I figured if I could write a book that would become a newyork times best seller, I could get her attention and potentially have a shot at meeting her.  So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

To keep this short, I damn near finished the book. I thought about her every hour of every day. I repetitively watched her interviews, I admired her recent pictures for hours on end, I even posted a picture of her as the backround of my computer desktop. 

I am bi-polar, that being said, some days I felt I couldn’t be more motivated and couldn’t be filled with more anticipation and hope that it was going to happen. Other days thoughts of, Well what if she has a boy friend and is doing you know what, as I’m sitting here doing what I did.  Emotionally, that would send me into such a dark place, I couldn’t cope.  Hence, Smiley was written, during a time when I felt that way, I wrote the darkest story I have ever written.  When the book was about 90% done, I had a psychological breakdown. I broke my computer over my knee, shaved my head, broke my guitar, threw my wallet and phone in the sewer, and admitted myself to a mental hospital. 

It was at this hospital that God started giving me signs.  Some of what I am about to tell you, you might not be able to  compute, or accept as truth, but whether you believe me or not, it’s true.  

99% of people don’t have the slightest idea what goes on in mental hospitals. I will save these stories for another time, but let it be known, supernatural forces are at work in mental hospitals because if a person were to try and tell someone what goes on in there… “Oh, you’re just a mental patient, go take your meds, you’re crazy.” Make sence?

Anyways, when I was enlightened to the evils of the Satanic forces, I made a promise to God I would at all means neccessary devote my life to exposing them and taking them down… That hospital that I had just been checked into, was an Satanic hospital… Through means of God’s greatness, he informed me that I had done the deed.  I engaged them, and now they were going to kill me… Or so they thought.  I will save the details for another time, but God informed me the only way I was leaving that hopital, was in a body bag.

I walked the halls balling my fucking eyes out.  I was terrified. At the same time I felt accomplished for accomplishing one of my greastest life goals.  As I passed my room God gave me a sign… He said lay down in your bed and die.  I have never been anything but obedient to God, so I layed in my bed. I thought to myself, this is it.  I’m going to heaven, I don’t know if I was more anticipatory, or scared.

As I shut my eyes, I felt demonic forces overcome me.  I thought to myself, WTF? I’m supposed to go to heaven, not hell, I then saw something through my minds eye.  It was the Devil, he was on a devilish thrown and he was feeling empowered. His arms were up and he was cackling.  Moments later I saw a vision of Akiana’s face.  I had never seen such a beautiful face in my life, her hair was blowing in the wind and she was more beautiful then ever before. A second after her face appeared, I felt hell.  The most tormenting, horrible, grotesque feeling came over me.  It was by far the worst thing I had ever experienced up intil that point in my life. I don’t remember what happened after that, but moments later there was a knock on my door and a nurse told me I had a visitor. I turns out the whole ordeal was a test to see if I would listen to God, even if he told me to die, and I listened. 

What God was telling me through the experience was, that, I had unintentionally obsessed over Akiane to the point where I held her as high or higher than God himself.  God didn’t shun me for it because he knew I didn’t do it intentionally, but he made it abundantly clear to me that if I so much as look at her picture ever again, I get the hell that he inflicted upon me when I saw her face. When I was released from the hospital, God commanded me to fall out of love with her, so I did. It was difficult, but I did it.  A few years later here I am, things changed.  Because God knows I would never hold anyone or thing as high as him, he has allowed me to indulge in a love for her, on alower level obviously, that I had before. I am allowed to look at her paintings, interviews, photos, etc. I still love her very much, but I have accepted the fact that I will never meet her… 

Life is shit… What am I gonna do about? Well, nothing. I’ve tried my hardest in every aspect of life and gotten nothing but shit on in return, so I am day by day attempting to accept the piece of shit garbage life that I live. Good riddance I guess, right? Fuck it.

Hot Girl

After I left  the last session I got to the street corner went down to subway and I realized it was the wrong direction so I went back up and went across the street and there’s free hot girl just standing on the street corner absolute fucking so … I just I just asked her a really stupid question was like hey do you know what the uptown subway is that’s right like how… she  laughs and touched my arm… there I’m going there too so I kind of just how they go right to the subway station for a tenth of a second i just had idea well what if i said something I got a number she seemed to shoot a nice person something actually came out of it I saw she was carrying a violin easy easy pickup line this is
I see a really hot woman… thoughts go through my okay well first of all I’ll never be with their never have sex with her she probably she might give me like a flirty look but she’s gonna go home tonight sucking dick and take it in the ass with  some other guy… while I’m getting raped in League of Legends… getting a new and interesting fucking character and planning for the last hundred games

like every time I see a hot girl it’s just instant pathetic… not necessarily anger at what they do … we anticipate they’re gonna do to you that in addition to maybe look at that they manipulate men with her body down bitch fucking a money-hungry bigger and a lot of every room just fucking chocolate three guys a week and never call me again your life your eye I see the person fucked me or so many campus times yes i did some see that and then it’s just in my life brings back everything all at once

League of Legions

I will start this this story from a very vivid memory I have. First, let me state that I have suffered from suicidal ideations damn near my whole life.  I have always attempted to mask these feelings, whether through smoking weed, skateboarding, watching excessive amounts of television, music, etc… I was hospitalized in 200X in Xmonth, but that is another story,  when I was released from the hospital, I was forced to attend an outpatient drug treatment program for marijuana.  Before I continue, let me say this, I believe that marijuana has had more of positive impact on my life than negative, 2 hits of weed in my teenage years would bring me out of my most severe depressions.  I would literally be crying my eyes out in my bed wishing that some alternate force would take my life so I didn’t have to suicide, because I knew if I suicided I would go to hell and that was enough incentive to not commit the deed, but anyways, when I was released from my first hospitalization, it was the first time in my life I had to live with coping without marijuana, since a young age.  I didn’t know how to cope.

Now, back to my vivid memory, I remember being in a chinese food restaurant what couldn’t have been more than 3 days after I was released from inpatient.  I was delusionally trying to devise a plan where I could relocate to California so I could get a medical marijuana card and smoke freely without any limitaions, opposed to staying where I lived and having to be sober. After about 10 minutes of running each and every scenario through my head on how I could make it work, reality hit me in face like a brick. It’s not happening. I immediately started thinking of how I could possibly cope with reality. 

At some point, I had a dream about Xvideo game I had played when I was a kid. I remembered how much I enjoyed it so I said fuck it, I’ll give it another try.  Long story short, I became addicted to the video game just like a had been addicted to every other coping mechanism that I indulged in my life.  I wasn’t neccesarily addicted to the game, I was addicted to blocking out my cold, cruel, hard, and painful reality. Within a month, I was playing the game between 8 and 18 hours a day. I would play the game through the day, then stay up all night, and attend my college class at 8:XX and would be fallng asleep in class, I started pissing in bottles so I wouldn’t have to go 1 minute and 30 seconds without the game.  I would say this was one of the lower points in my life, but every damn day since I popped out the uterus was a low point.  I have failed at 99.9% of things In life that I have attemped, and this game was not the .01% 

Anyways, this went on for about a year and X months of losing, being insulted by fellow players, disapointing my team mates, and overall, just contributing to my neverending misery, I said fuck it, I can’t do this anymore. So I checked out some online videos of popular free videogames.  I stumbled upon League of Legends.  League of legends to me was an untamable beast. Literally. What I am going to disclose about this game, some people might not be capable of stomaching or believing, but whethter you believe it or not, it’s true. This is my league of legends testimony.

I am going to make a pretty bold statement right now.  Before you decide for yourself whether I a am either a nutjob who needs to take his medication, or someone who knows more than the average person, (Which I am btw) atleast accept the cold hard facts which I am about to convey to you before you read my the folowing passages. 

Well here it is… The most popular game in the world, League of legends, might as well be called League of Satan.  Demonic and evil entities are the driving force beind this game. 

The first game of league of legends I ever played, I didn’t have the slightest fucking clue what was going on.  It was different because in AOE 3, you commanded armies and had multiple different troops attacking, and doing different things. I liked that this was not the case in LOL, because I wanted something different. 

You only control one “champion” in LOL.  Anyone who makes a new account starts at level 1. You have to play against AI until level 3.  The first champ I ever played was Dr. Mundo, It is very hard to find a comprehensive guide online on how to play.  Throughout my league career I learned 99.1% of everything on my own. At first I didn’t even know enemy from ally.  I didn’t know that each champ has 4 moves, I didn’t know what you had to do to win, I didn’t know anything. 

To be a successful league player, you have to be familiar with not only between 150-200 champs, you have to know every champs 4 moves, their “passive” which is a characteristic that makes each champ unique, you have to know the range of every ability. Their cooldowns (how long it takes for each move to be useable, after boing used) You need to know the map inside out, what compositions of champs work well together and which don’t. You have to know the traits of, and viability of approximately 200 items, how much gold they cost, and which work well with what champ, and when to and not to use them situaltionally depending on your enemy’s, or ally’s item build. Other than picking up a tip here and a tip there, I learned this all on my own over the course of about 4 years.

I always sucked at the game until the day I quit.  I invested in LOL probably more than I did in skateboarding. It has always been difficult for me to leave things behind, especially when I have invested large amounts of time and effort towards the habit, or activity, especially when I haven’t successfully conquered “it”, what ever “it” may be. I always felt, “Well, I’ve put this much time and energy into “insert here”, if I leave it behind now, the last X amount of time and energy would have gone to nothing and it would be a complete waste of time”. 

To keep this relatively short, after about 2 years of religiously playing 8 to 14 hours a day, I was still getting destroyed.  There are two main methods of gameplay. Normals, and ranked. In normals, it is not serious. You play normals when you are either a beginner, or you want to try out a new champ.  It is not taken seriously, it is mostly just for fun where you can bs around and it doesn’t matter.

 You must reach level 30 to play ranked. Ranked is a whole new ball game. In ranked, you play for points. When you lose a ranked game you lose points, or, elo. When you win a game you gain elo and the way it works now is you gain between 4 and 16 points per win, depending on your win-lose ratio. When you get to 100 points you move up a bracket. The lowest bracket is 5, then 4, 3, 2, and 1. When you get 100 points, you enter a series. If you win 2 out of 3 games you move up a division. I would lose so many games that after winning 3 games in a row, I would lose the 3 games worth of points in 1 loss.

 I always had fantastical fantasies of being a high ranked player. The lowest division is bronze, then silver, then gold, then platinum, then diamond. After diamond, it works a little differently.  If you are interested in how the top tier divions work, do your own research, all I will say is that challenger is equivalent to professional tier.  I must have ranked up approximately 10 accounts in my lol career with hopes of ranking up. 

My biggest concern on a day to day basis was gaining points. When I lost games I would so pissed that I damn near broke my hand one day from punching my wall hours before playing a gig with my band. I never made it past mid silver, even when I was in silver, the only reason I was that high ranked was because I was placed there after my 10 provisional matches.  I always god demoted to bronze account, after account, after account, and inevitably and eventually landed among the worst of the worst; bronze 5.  What I’m about to tell you might not believe, but I ensure you, I am not lying.  I am in the process of attaining information to prove this, and what I have attained will be featured on the site.

League of Legends is satanically oriented. On one of my final days I was playing a champion by the name of Leblanc. Leblanc is known as “The Deciever”.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Satan himself is referred to as the deciever.  I was in mid lane, and shortly after I started to fight my enemy, she said as clear as crystal… SATAN… I couldn’t believe my ears. 

Thankfully I had a game recording device, recording my games, so I rewatched the clip and I was right. The satanic forces behind this stunt, deleted the clip through means that were beyond my control. This solidified my speculations. 

There is a war being waged in this world between good and evil, as there is a war in LOL between good and evil.  I couldn’t rank up because satanic forces were holding me back. I always “accidently” pressed the wrong button, misclicked the diretion I wanted to go, or was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

I even remember a time where these demonic forces straight up teleported my character.  I was hypothetically 15 inches away from the enemy, and I was going to escape, and somehow my champ magically teleported into range of the enemy.  This was the work of demonic forces.  After x years of playing about 100 hours a week, maybe 75ish games per week, maybe more, I thought to myself, wtf, how can I be so bad at something I have never put more effort into. The answer is because satanic forces were holding me back.

I remember I was playing a game in bronze 5.  I had 20 kills and 1 death.  That is absurd, anyone with 20 kills should be able to damn near singlehandedly win a match… Unless the wrath of Satan is being inflicted upon you. Demons would physically move my fingers to fuck me up, they would use mind control on me to make stupid game decisions, and cause me to lose in any way, shape or form. If and or when I was overpowering these forces, like when I had 20 kills, these evil forces would see to it that my team mates intentionally threw the game and made me lose. 

I am an angel of God the father, and their intent was to destroy me. I tried quitting the game multiple times towards the end of my LOL career. I related my LOL addiction to a herioin addiction (I don’t use heroin btw).  You know it’s bad for you, you know it’s killing you, but you can’t stop doing it, and when you’re not doing it, it’s all you can think about.

When you don’t have it you crave it more than life itself, and you want to stop, but just don’t know how.  The demon’s intent was to destroy my life at all means possible.  Looking back through my years of LOL, I don’t know if I started, or ended with less. If they could make me believe that I was not only incapable of achieving something that I never put more effort and time into, I would self destruct. 

I have always had an obsession with being great and if they made me believe I was incapable at succeeding at or achieving greatness. They would win. This is how I felt for a long time on some level, everyday was miserable because I would lose, and lose, and lose, on a daily basis. There were players who had been playing the game 1/4 the time I played, and they were in diamond, meanwhile I was playing with people who just started 2 weeks ago, and they were still kicking my ass.  I am proud to say my league of legends days are over.

UnBurdoning

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